on the eve...

for someone my age i spend a significant amount of time at church. i am chair of this cheesy committee. and i am in charge of stuff and i go to all of the church board meetings... (which sometimes totally suck but i feel if i am going to bitch and moan about stuff-i need to be on the board to know what i am bitching and moaning about)...my mother used to work for our church in bflo and i spent many days after school there (that church was so badass-it was big and scary and interesting and there were so many fun things to play with) and have always felt pretty comfortable in any church type setting.

i also have the benefit of being a part of an extremely open and affirming congregation. i remember my lesbian sunday schools teachers...no biggie. now, in a city of fundamentalism and religion gone crazy...this is something i treasure about my denomination.

but in all honesty...church doesn't really do it for me, if you know what i mean. praying in unison (actually in public for that matter) freaks me out. a lot of terrible behaviors are accepted and excused at church and this drives me batty. oh, yeah...and i don't really buy all of it. some nice stories and lessons, but...seriously? virgin birth? death by slingshot? leaving your own life to live with your mother-in-law by choice? i find it super difficult to relate to scripture and fanaticism surrounding god, jesus, "the word", etc.

and let's not forget to mention i am a youth leader of sorts and am super involved in all sorts of activities not only among my own church members but across the state...sometimes i feel a little like a closet agnostic...

my mom used to get so pissy with C & E's, as she called them (christmas & easter). this is the name "church folk" give people who only come to service on these days. she got extra flustered when they insisted their children were in the christmas eve play five minutes prior to showtime, then sat in the front row...blocking the view of all of the faithful regular attendants. the nerve!

so over the years i have found my niche of spirituality, (it is rarely during sunday service) as ever changing and challenging as it has become and will continue to be...i am right with myself and whomever or whatever i feel i am held accountable to...

but every once in a while, i'll have an experience like tonight. i love the 11pm candlelight christmas eve service. i struggle with the stories and some of the lyrics are wretched...but i love the songs. i sang them super loud tonight...i sat with one of my widowed buddies, m. she is a special person in my life and i would not have met her if it wasn't for my church that i so often gripe about.

so this evening was one of those moments. a validation of why i go back, why i stay connected to something i am so unsure about...it is a wonderful place to be. and sometimes, when the time is right, the peace and love and hope and faith is so strong you can feel it all around you.

merry christmas :)

(this semi-serious post will in no way deter the intentions i have for posting dick in a box tomorrow afternoon, btw)