Thursday, December 31, 2009

my least favorite night.

new year's eve is NOT my thing. took me years to figure out why, years of pretending to make awesome plans that were going to be the best new year's eve ever. all that ended up happening was usually a major make-out sess with a toilet and ruining a perfectly cute party dress. one year i made a resolution to stop saying stupid stuff and i humiliated myself at 12:07am...

just looking at this picture makes me sweat. THERE ARE NO BATHROOMS IN TIMES SQUARE ON NEW YEAR'S EVE PEOPLE. NO. BATH. ROOMS. i've had tons of friends do this times square thing and they talked all about it's grossness. smashing people into a small space lit by the magic of corporate america sounds so wretched i just don't understand it's appeal...
oh look! from far away it looks so nice and fun! it's a sham. it's freaking december 31st in new york city. it is blistering cold in ny. AND DO YOU REMEMBER THE PART ABOUT THE BATHROOMS?! there is always so much preparation, so much stress, so much excitement for...well, exactly. what for?
the chances of going somewhere and seeing this lady are extremely high. but i do not think of this as a plus but rather, another reason why i will never go to bar after my 50th birthday...
oh, but wait! don't forget new year's eve could be your big shot at getting your ass groped by this guy...what a sexpot!
so, i am sorry. but i just don't love new year's eve. last year was ok. the year before that i left the party early and snuggled with my dogs in my warm bed. the year before that i am pretty sure was a party dress ruined/word vomit incident. overall the odds are just. no. good.
this year i am going to walk to the neighborhood bar with my bff, hope that everyone else has better plans so it doesn't get too crowded, plan on drinking 3 beers and an excessive amount of water to ease my fear of a hangover, get a little flirt on with a cute boy and hope to be home and in bed snuggling with my dogs by 1am. lame? probably. but i don't give a crap.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

oh bother

my computer got sick and starting acting schizophrenic and then i had to pay a boatload of money to sit on the phone for 2 hours with a not super friendly indian man named pankj and had to press the buttons that ate the life out of the insides of my sweet puter. he wouldn't even engage in silly speak with me! arghh. i feel like this...
granted, being the techno loser i am, i did not have that much crucial information on the computer...mostly just pictures i loved and TONS of NEW music. and music. and i had some music on it. and i also had a bunch of music. oh, and i had just downloaded some awesome music. also, i copied some badass music from a friend. and i had a stellar music collection.

the tragedy of a single, white privileged american girl.

i am hoping to get over it soon (sitting at a desk typing criminal activity of my own town into leedle itty bitty boxes is not making this week better BUT i have almost completed my report...) and plan to start the new year with a clean slate via clean computer and hope to resemble something more like this...
i love smurfs.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

boys will be...

this is a close up of one of the "nice shots" i had to bribe my nephews, ages 7 & 9, to take when they were still wearing their "nice clothes" on christmas eve. i guess i was pretty tired when i took the shot because i did not notice the flying bird until my mother pointed it out the next morning. per usual, everyone was rather disturbed and laughed at this gesture but made no attempts to address it's inappropriateness with the 9 year old that was behind these shenanigans.

so instead, i am finding every way to post it on the internet while maintaining the boys privacy and obviously vastly depleting innocence.

oh, the holidays and their passive aggressive nature and lack of confrontation...

Monday, December 28, 2009

mmm: last chance...

as i have mentioned...this year is my last year in my 20s. this post (and several of the next consecutive mmm's) is a part of this series...
once you hit the sparkling age of 30 i feel it is no longer appropriate to publicly drool and coo over young men that would be borderline criminal (or pathetic) to date. this coincides with my obsession with the whole cougar/cub phenomenon...but i have no intention of cougaring.

so the next eight months, my lovelies, as i walk down the plank to that big, bad birthday...i will be exploiting and celebrating each and every beautiful, young male celebrity i can find. for after that fateful day in august when summer is rolling down from it's peak, i will retire from mouthing off at the little it will become a little more crass. a bit more sad. and just not allowable in my book of reasons titled: because you are 30. that's why.

i will take every chance i can until then...
***chance crawford was just in this article but the pictures were too effing hot to post on this little entry...check it out but be careful...

Chace Crawford Interview: Finishing School - Beauty Industry and Products News - ***

Sunday, December 27, 2009

icky poo puppies...


my mom has been fostering five puppies for the past few weeks. they are so effing cute i can't stand it. mom is keeping one but today, sadly, they start to go to their new homes...

this one i call wrinkles and he was my favorite. puppies just make you feel squishy and warm and happy and all seems right with the world.
i bought a new camera (woohooo!) and took so many pictures of the puppies it was a little pathetic. but my time with the puppies was lovely. on christmas, i took each one upstairs to snuggle separately...

they are each so different and unique and sweet and playful and ekkk! puppies!

i think we should all learn a lesson here as the new year approaches: find time to stop and snuggle the puppies. being squishy and warm and happy and all seems right with the world is something i can sure use more of...dunno about you...

Saturday, December 26, 2009

daddy's girl, part 8.

(for previous entries in this series, please refer to daddy's girl, parts 1-7)

8. large purchases aka better to ask santa

my dad never told me that most male retail workers tend to view my appearance similar to the following when i am seeking a large ticket item purchase:

i was not aware that i often walked around looking so helpless and confused but, apparently, this is a fact of life. who knew?!
this explains why my television at home resembles the above picture (ok. i'm exaggerating a little) but it is way old and weighs about 50lbs.

this also explains why i do not have motor operated lawn equipment, a stereo, or speakers, or anything higher than the technical level of a basic lap top and a dvd player in my home or car...

going into retail stores for large purchases is the WORST EXPERIENCE EVER if you are female, at ANY age. i despise it the most. i would rather go to the dentist, the gynecologist AND the dmv on the same day. i would rather wear a bathing suit in public. i would rather eat olives. OLIVES! (and i really, really, really, really, really hate olives)

i am fairly certain that these employees are schooled in the fine art of intimidation, degradation and condescension. very few things scare me off but lord help me, i could go the rest of my life without ever setting foot in a bestbuy, an autozone (and i kinda love this store) or the not labeled but so obviously gender specific section of lowe's (i.e. everything past the lighting department) AGAIN.

if it needs to go inside of this, i'm outta here. my dad pretends like it irritates him but i know he prefers to handle this stuff...which i think is why he uses his i'm not putting up with your crap missy voice every time i tag along to one of the aforementioned locations. and i am 29 years old.

it kinda takes some of the glory out of home ownership. i mean, i still frequent the hardware store. i love a good hardware store. in fact, i hate the hello my name is ___ people so much i try my best to get everything at my teensy little local hardware store. that and i'm a small business supporter. and the store is within my comfort zone.

i actually do all sorts of research in the privacy of my own home before i decide on a big ticket item, to decrease the time required in the store deciding, thus rendering myself vulnerable to the vultures known as hello my name is ___. if i cannot buy it online or quickly, i kinda just go without. i am telling you. it is that bad.

winner: father. just go replace my battery for me. pleeeease. if i have to go in there and get laughed at i will flip. (and i know exactly what kinda of battery my car needs. and i can change my own flat tire. and i am a badass at most yard work. now i just don't want to because they ruined it)

Friday, December 25, 2009

holly jolly.

who are we kidding? this is still one of the funniest snl clips ever. their facial hair is so gross and it makes me laugh every time. jt is the best. snl. guest. ever. so join the rest of america and laugh your butt off to this special holiday video!!!

merry christmas!!!

on the eve...

for someone my age i spend a significant amount of time at church. i am chair of this cheesy committee. and i am in charge of stuff and i go to all of the church board meetings... (which sometimes totally suck but i feel if i am going to bitch and moan about stuff-i need to be on the board to know what i am bitching and moaning about) mother used to work for our church in bflo and i spent many days after school there (that church was so badass-it was big and scary and interesting and there were so many fun things to play with) and have always felt pretty comfortable in any church type setting.

i also have the benefit of being a part of an extremely open and affirming congregation. i remember my lesbian sunday schools biggie. now, in a city of fundamentalism and religion gone crazy...this is something i treasure about my denomination.

but in all doesn't really do it for me, if you know what i mean. praying in unison (actually in public for that matter) freaks me out. a lot of terrible behaviors are accepted and excused at church and this drives me batty. oh, yeah...and i don't really buy all of it. some nice stories and lessons, but...seriously? virgin birth? death by slingshot? leaving your own life to live with your mother-in-law by choice? i find it super difficult to relate to scripture and fanaticism surrounding god, jesus, "the word", etc.

and let's not forget to mention i am a youth leader of sorts and am super involved in all sorts of activities not only among my own church members but across the state...sometimes i feel a little like a closet agnostic...

my mom used to get so pissy with C & E's, as she called them (christmas & easter). this is the name "church folk" give people who only come to service on these days. she got extra flustered when they insisted their children were in the christmas eve play five minutes prior to showtime, then sat in the front row...blocking the view of all of the faithful regular attendants. the nerve!

so over the years i have found my niche of spirituality, (it is rarely during sunday service) as ever changing and challenging as it has become and will continue to be...i am right with myself and whomever or whatever i feel i am held accountable to...

but every once in a while, i'll have an experience like tonight. i love the 11pm candlelight christmas eve service. i struggle with the stories and some of the lyrics are wretched...but i love the songs. i sang them super loud tonight...i sat with one of my widowed buddies, m. she is a special person in my life and i would not have met her if it wasn't for my church that i so often gripe about.

so this evening was one of those moments. a validation of why i go back, why i stay connected to something i am so unsure is a wonderful place to be. and sometimes, when the time is right, the peace and love and hope and faith is so strong you can feel it all around you.

merry christmas :)

(this semi-serious post will in no way deter the intentions i have for posting dick in a box tomorrow afternoon, btw)

Thursday, December 24, 2009

holiday cheer.

i reeeeally wanted the dysfunctional family christmas album but i guess the copyrights are too strict cause all those old snl people are famous or deceased...but this one will do. tracy morgan is freaking hilarious and has always been one of my all time favorites..

sorry about the ad. jimmy fallon is so hot.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

family time...

my dad and i both love frank sinatra, dean martin, mel torme...all the old rat packers and lounge singers. i always find this hilarious because all of their lyrics are so damn old and offensive. but i dig it...i have a pretty awesome collection of these tunes so when i am at my parents house i usually jam out with my dad to these tunes...happy holidays!

rip frank! his birthday was december 12th.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

hiberation ain't so bad.

i HATE winter. i used to love it. i grew up in snowy bflo, ny. it was a difficult adjustment once i moved south...(i.e. NO snow on christmas. are you kidding me?) i even stayed near the snowy mountains for college. in the nnw it never gets super cold, which i really liked. but i am sure, like most people, the rain would have eventually gotten to me...although it would have taken a long, long, long time. one time i had to drive to montana because i really missed snow. i got stuck in a blizzard in idaho and almost killed myself and my car, ending up at a spooky truck stop and drank beers with some alcoholic pilots...their "glory days" stories will make you stay FAR away from planes...then i accidentally walked out on my tab and snoozed in my car until it was safe to drive back...but that another story for another day.

so i converted. sold my soul to the south. LOVE the summer. BRING ON the heat, the humidity, outside play, OUTSIDE! every fall now i get a little depressed...bringing out my leather boots cheers me a bit but then it's back to cold weather contempt when the dogs INSIST on getting me out of my warm, cozy bed. i pout. i complain a little. a grouch appears. then i get over it. being grouchy takes it toll, after all.

sooo...introducing the top five BEST things (according to me) about winter!!!


my super inspiring, head-on-her-shoulders friend n and i discussed this last year. winter=an excuse to sleep more. don't feel like getting up and out of your super cozy bed? DON'T! sleep a little longer, relish the covers and the warmess (or at least get back into the bed-please let the dogs out if they need to go i don't recommend ignoring them...nor does your carpet. or floor... you get the hint)...don't ignore your yawn, INDULGE in it! take a nap, a snooze, go to bed at 8pm...whatever! enjoy the extra S.L.E.E.P.

as in temperature hot.
soup tastes better when it is cold outside. hot cocoa is a wintertime STAPLE. pasta is more comforting. mac n cheese? nuf said. take the time to eat, enjoy and be internally warmed by hot stuff.

burberry fall

layers layers layers....scarves, sweaters, tights, vest, jackets, boots, socks, leggings, hats, muffs, wraps...etc., a little too much of the aforementioned hot stuff? not a problem! throw on a couple extra t-shirts, long sleeved wonders and a cute little coat and no one will ever know you have some extra padding attached to your body. you've got a few months to worry about getting rid of it so PACK IT ON. or in.

4. FOG!!!
it is just awesome and doesn't come around as much in other seasons.


in winter you get to wrap yourself up and rush to the car...into the building...over there, over here, and FAST, lest your nostrils freeze together. I LOVE THIS! it makes everything feel so thrilling! and getting where you need to be is like a race or a big deal...who cares if it is lame once you get there...getting there was so challenging and whew! what an adventure! it makes me happier to see those i am visiting. my destination is sweeter upon arrival. i feel accomplished.

and if you disagree, well, refer to numero uno.

Monday, December 21, 2009

wahhh wah wah.

look. i don't mean to put a bummer on man meat monday (and tomorrow i have dedicated a post to the positives of winter) BUT i am stuck at home after several days of blizzard of 2009ing. still.

i couldn't go to work this morning cause of the icy road & i went to bed too after missing half the day i was like "muahaha, perhaps i'll use this day to play semi-hooky and head to raleigh to meet some bff's from college." i have to use a vacay day (which i am pissed about) and raleigh didn't get squat so i figured i could safely head south east. 1st fail. boo. sad. at least i could have salvaged this day to be worth it but instead i am writing this and watching 3 dogs and a cat snore on my bed. which is totally cute but not lifting my mood.

i parked my car at the top of the street next to the main road thinking the 40 feet to the road would be feasible. 2nd fail. my car is stuck in several inches of wet snow that even if removed would then have to venture onto the four solid inches of ice that prohibit me from the lovely, cleared main road that is rivermont ave. also, i live in an neighborhood that is pretty low on the totem pole for street cleaning, as if the southern style way of snow clearing were working...i watched several people skid and get stuck and it was obvi that there won't no moving round here.

then i came home and decided on several chores that needed completion only to find that my graceless fall last night on previously mentioned solid inches of ice had a bit more of an effect on me. i pulled some part of my back and am extremely ouchy and grouchy. 3rd fail.

at least i have soup. lots of lovely soup.

mmm: happy chrismakkuh!

obvi adam brody is a babe. i have a super awesome friend, h and we used to spend a significant amount of time watching the oc. we actually have a slight obsession with teen dramadies that star grown adults acting as age inappropraitely eloquent hotties. i l.o.v.e. teen dramadies.

each season of the oc the dudes are unique. aaand seth is always hot. i always felt bad for summer roberts/rachel bilson when i found out that she dated seth cohen/adam brody but then they broke up and continued to date on the show. i bet they were all like "screw you." "no, eff you." action! "i love you, summer." (kiss kiss)" "you too, cohen." (awkward oc hug). that's rough, girl.

we all have a few geeks we are into...when i was sick i watched some of the oc on hulu and i miss my little cohen...

Sunday, December 20, 2009

best love song in my book.

i think this is the most romantic song EVER. my mom and i have always loved it. i think it reminds her of vietnam and having a husband solider that she wrote to and lived a different life from. it wasn't intended as a "war song" but became one. (cause no one was able to jump a plane home when they got dumped via snail mail in vietnam) a majillion people have covered this song. the box tops version has always been my favorite and i'm happy to report they were pretty damn hot...

i totally dig bobby darin and was surprised to see his version. it is not at all typical bobby darin. it's got some soul. go bobby.

al green's version is pretty sweet, of course. his version is way sadder but definitely not as desperate as the original...

joe cocker creeps me out in person but he's a badass and his version gives desperation a new meaning...

i've always been bummed that this song is really only 2 minutes long and like, two verses. but i'm always like, dude! i really think you should call her first! it sounds like she may have already "not been able to live without you no more" and once you get off of that (surely tres expensive) air-o-plane ride...the chances of your baby being with your best friend or gas station attendant are probably pretty high...consult female friend before doing anything rash!...sorry, it's just the truth.

i don't think people do desperate love like this anymore. which is a good thing overall, but makes for an excellent song.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

ooo baby, it's cold outside.

so it flippin' snowed like crazy tonight. there is a general panic in my town every time snow is predicted and i am pleased when the foreboding is substantiated cause i hate an empty threat. such a waste.
today's snow was awesome. it didn't started until AFTER i drove to c-ville and back. i still got to visit the puppies my mom is fostering. i played with a mini dump truck and a scoop in the snow with one of the best 3 year olds i know. he even snuggled me at the sad part of the jungle book. someone fed me dinner. we laughed a lot. my feet never got wet or cold cause my uggs that i bought for my 26th birthday in august are dope...i had a few bourbons with my bff, bickered with someone and went home. perfecto.

the snow was out of control at midnight. my street was completely still and blanketed and beautiful. this hasn't happened since like, 1996...

where i grew up, this was considered a slight dusting. i remember winter as a child and it was FUN and full of sledding and snowsuits and skis and please don't go outside with wet hair cause it WILL break off (totally did once). and fruit roll-ups freeze quickly and will bust your teeth...anyhooo, i digress...i HATE the winter now. H.A.T.E. as a kid, you don't have to drive anywhere or worry about stuff....
BUT. the snow is wonderful. i have never stopped loving the snow. two of my dogs love it. in the south you get snowed in. and have an excuse not to go out. it is sweet. and this time ain't letting up. tomorrow i have tons of stuff to make several crock pot soups with...have a disc of "the state" and "gossip girl" on dvd and absolutely nowhere to be.
this snow might just be the best. snow. ever.

Friday, December 18, 2009

daddy's girl, part 7.

(for previous entries to this series please refer to daddy's girl, parts 1-6)

7. why boys do what they do

i got dumped one time in college and it was the bad, not only my heart but my skin is ripping off and everything is pouring all over the place, kinda being dumped. throw on a thick layer of clinical depression and no self esteem and there you have me at the time. i needed to go home for a few days but i could barely get out of bed/off the floor long enough to get my clothes together and then my car wouldn't start. then the world ended (or so i thought). on the phone and was able (by the grace of my dear friends) to get home for a few days. one of those phone calls was to my parents house and my dad answered the phone and sounded like someone had beheaded his puppy in front of him. he was so choked up he couldn't really talk to me and passed the phone on...

i figured out that my dad's heart, in turn, was also broken. he's not the big, intimidating, i've got a shotgun and i will abuse my ownership of it to threaten you boy type of fact, he's equally as liberal as i am when it comes to gun rights...but he gets PISSED if you eff with me. when my dad gets pissed, he completely clams. zips his lips. turns red in face, whiter in the hair...and you are on his shitlist for life.

so i wonder why my father never gave me the why boys do what they do warning...first of all, i don't think he could actually handle discussing in depth the topic of me and a male being intimate...(which is kinda ok with me...or maybe he tried but my attention span was so short i left the conversation before he got to the point)...another theory i have is that my dad was one of those guys when he was younger...therefore, telling me the secrets would be exposing his true self as a young male, destroying my perfect image of him...nahhh.
a few times, while hiking/walking with my dad (that is how we bond)...we have talked about my past relationships. he tells me about the last time he saw/talked to/wanted to maim them and kindly points out a character flaw or anomaly in their dress or demeanor...and then he usually makes jokes as to what d-bags they were...he's always been nice to them but i really doubt i have ever brought home a boy he has genuinely liked. he really likes a lot of my guy friends because i am pretty sure he knows they won't ever see me naked.
so why hasn't dad given me fair warning on what to look for in men? eeeeasy...then numero uno status is in jeopardy. he could have given me tips on what to look for, but i am glad he hasn't. i've figured it out of my own...(which is probably why i prefer to be single. ) and the thought of talking about the tendencies of the opposite sex i am involved with amongst my fathers ears makes me a little uncomfortable...actually it terrifies me and is gross and i never want to touch that topic with a ten foot pole.

winner: father. if you have a dad that is worthy of numero uno status-always keep him there. or at least always make sure he thinks he is numero uno. (and throw in that "it's so difficult to find someone i like because my example of what to live up to is so amazing"'s true and brings on waterworks EVERY time)

Thursday, December 17, 2009

so happy together...

i went to lowe's on black friday because i needed to buy a sliding glass door and now i am a grown up and get excited about buying doors. lame. AND because a week earlier i was setting my sights on the current object of my new crockpot. the dude at lowe's told me to "wait" (wink wink) until black friday to buy it and i am super glad i did. i got that beauty for ten bucks.
so far we have made some pretty banging soups. next week i am going to make a beef stew and i can't wait. there is even a recipe for ribs in the manual. RIBS. did you know you can make RIBS in a crockpot? score.

so i wanted you to know how happy i have been since i acquired my crockpot. i was vying for one for a looong time and now we can live a long, prosperous, warm, slow cooked future together.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

coming to an end...

i have been in training for two weeks now and this is my last day. i am super glad. i miss my home, my pets, my life. richmond is a great place to visit and i love that i can get around easily and not have to "travel" too much. but i cannot wait to get back...
radiohead always makes me feel comforted and calm...

i love this little fan video! the little paper people are so cute!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

title track.

i had a terrible, horrible, no good kittens & rainbowy day. a painfully kittens and rainbowy day. i've been in training for the past week and although the content was a little dull and the only thing i learned on the 1st day last week was that the trainer had a borderline unhealthy relationship with gambling and a racist bigot mother...but it was not the worst training ever.
sitting still is not my thing. but i have found sitting still with a room full of criminal justice majors is much better than a room full of social workers. sooo much better. and it is much more fun and sarcastic. there is only like, one person who is the psych major with all of the (wrong) diagnosis' under their breath and half of the trainers are ex-delinquent with really bad tattoos that are fun to look at.
...i spoke too soon. TODAY. WAS. AWFUL. the morning was set for mental health issues and the afternoon for substance abuse. both of these topics i am substantially familiar with but always learn something new so i was looking forward to the week...the drive was bad...icy roads then blinding fog...but my "tis winter time oh nine" mix is still sweet and somber so the drive didn't get to me. the morning presenter (despite the fact he had NO visuals. just talking.) was even marginally entertaining. he totally sounded like mitch hedberg.
***story alert! i went to see mitch hedberg once at a comedy club and he never showed (which ended up being a good show and then we got free tickets to another show and we saw bob saget and it WAS AWESOME) anyhooo, we were all like, "omg. hope hedberg isn't dead. isn't he a drug addict?" well. he was dead. and an addict. awkward.***
so this afternoons speaker had the worst presence ever, kept calling us "folk" (not folks just folk)and went off on a random tangent about a theory of SA that had no relevance to the public service worker. there were a lot of red arrows and random letters on a story board. he also kept calling us "case managers" which drives me frickin batty.

pathetic highlights of the afternoon:
1. apparently there was a drug king pin named "dump truck smitty" in va along the I-95 corridor that used a laundry business and dump trucks for cover at his heroin production and distribution company. no one else was laughing at the name except for me...what is wrong with these people?
2. direct quote from trainer: "look, folk. you need to get on the exact same level as the drug dealer." wtf?
3. at lunch this dumb girl was arguing the difference between opiates and poppys and heroin when i attempted to explain the correlation and mentioned the scene from the wizard of oz as an example she replied, "i've never seen that movie. ever." LIAR. then she proceeded to tell me she hated all of the food on my plate. like i give a crap.

the last hour was spent rediagnosing and judging a substance exposed, product of lifelong neglect, gang related, promiscuous, clinically chemically dependent hypothetical individual into weekly AA meetings and GED classes to solve the problems of the world. it was turrible. i went well beyond the point of trying not to bust out laughing...and literally got to the point of tears when i saw how serious and determined everyone else in the room were when they thought they had done an adequate job of "fixing" this imaginary client. i realized that i (29 year old me) was one of the top contenders in the room for "having harsh, real and confrontation discussions with people about their problems." and now i am jaded. it just broke my heart and solidified all that is denial and are you effing kidding me? with the world.

someone please send me to a farm...

Monday, December 14, 2009

mmm: i've been bitten. or mauled. whatever werewolves do.

so yeah. i haven't read the twilight books. i hate that crap but i have seen the 1st movie. twice, actually. not intentionally, i borrowed it once then forgot i had it on netflix so i rewatched it while making a present for someone. and seriously, who can ignore the hype surrounding this film? as a regular online reader of trashy celebrity gossip i am sure you were as surprised to see this guy reemerge as a gorgeous specimen of all things dark and handsome... love the northwestern native american art...after spending much time there in geeky museums, i thoroughly appreciate the accurate correlations to the natives of the geography...

i am really glad this dude got his this go round. they (i assume and hope purposefully) made him look super frumpy in the first film and if he looks anything like he does in these shots in that movie... I CAN'T FREAKING WAIT TO SEE IT. sorry, it is true. i confess. but i will wait...i refuse to go with a bunch of screaming tween groupies. i have learned to lust on the inside, it has taken years, and i am good at it.
a plaid tie?! are you trying to send me to an early grave little lautner?! niiice choice.

(i haven't been this excited for a man meat film since fight club. and i REALLY like fight club. in all reality, i know there is nooo way the twilight series will beat a film with brad pitt, ed norton and (blessed be) jordan catalano covered in sweat and blood...but i feel the same excitement when i think about the fateful day i will see this guy and rp on screen. and i bet the blood and sweat content will be on similar levels. yessss!)

Sunday, December 13, 2009


i've spent the last decade being professionally investigative in various jobs...this has generally been pretty fun but now i find myself kinda wary of everything in the whole wide world. the second i let my guard down about dumb stuff BAM: reminded of why i am so weird about honestly and loyalty and blah blah blah.
i never thought i would like this band, pretty much because their name is lame and it totally turned me off. but i reeeally like their last album and LOVE this song right now...

i can count on one hand how many elvis songs i like. but he died on the same day as my birthday so i feel it is only right to have a few favorite elvis songs.
the other day in the car i was listening to mmj then i turned on the radio and this elvis song came on. so i took this to mean that my apprehension in life is warranted. thanks elvis and mmj. (i am sorry i judged you by your band name and your creepy hairstyles. but that is just how i feel. )

as i am sure you have learned by now...these cheesy "made it myself, mom" youtube videos are terrible. sorry.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

yes, i was grossed out by the "body is a wonderland" song but i got over it.

so pretty much whenever i admit to having a slight imaginary love affair with john mayer via his music i get hysterically laughed at...i am ok with this because john mayer is effing hot y'all. and we all know i often times base talents on hot dudes. (like that time i watched troy and thought it was the BEST movie ever, when in all reality it just featured brad pitt and orlando bloom in bed sheets and armor. and that quantifies best movie status in my opinion.) anyhoo, back to my imaginary love affair with john mayer. it's pretty awesome. and now that i have expressed this publicly, i truly see how mortifying and generally pathetic my life can be. in a major way. (but why stop there!) my imaginary relationship with john mayer is waaay better than a real one with any of the boys in this town so, i dig it.
john mayer is such an a-hole as a bf and i'm all like, "john. i hate you. you are such a d!&%. you ignored me for a week and now you are all over me. wtf?"
and he's like, "i know" (then he sings lyrics to me that make me want to vomit and make out with him at the same time.)
then i'm like,
"you are high maintenance and inconsistent, go get back together with jennifer or jessica."
and he's like,
"but you are so much more beautiful and amazing than they are...i love you."
and i'm like, "
look, i know. but you are whiny and i hate it when you grow your hair long, it makes your lips look surgically modified. and you don't seem to be able to grow facial hair. i honestly think you should just stand on the beach with sunglasses on all day. no shirt, please. and you are getting on my damn nerves playing that same guitar song over and over. gimme lyrics to apply to myself or get outta here...i need you to go home."
then he plays this song and we get back together for five minutes and break up again. just like college.

in the tradition of finding RIDICULOUS homemade youtube videos (my new favorite hobby)...this one is a real treat. i love obsessive fans that do things like this. i bet they have imaginary relationships with my bf john mayer also so that doesn't really put me on a higher level than them but i think there is thick, wide line between us, nonetheless... just not really sure what it looks like or where it is exactly.

i was totally making fun of the super cute local bartenders depressing music choices the other night (cause that is how i generally act around real, live, dreamboats...think 4th grader at roller skating rink) when in reality i, too, have been sitting around inside staring at the miserable cold weather listening to heart wrenching, depressing love songs...and. enjoying. every. minute. of. it.

last week i rediscovered this song, which was my lay around glutton for punishment song of last winter. enjoooy...

Friday, December 11, 2009

daddy's girl, part 6.

(for previous entries, please refer to daddy's girl, parts 1-5)

6. home owning/renting
now i may have mentioned i am NOT a fan of feeling out of control or weak. i despise it and fight like hell anytime someone makes me feel less than what i think they should think i am worth. but fathers do a grave disservice to daughters in the home owning/renting department when they do not take the time to teach the skills of renting/leasing/owning their own properties. many a security deposit could be spared over a few simple lessons on assertiveness by the fathers of the world. my father "took care of" these things throughout college, i.e. covered my ass and didn't tell me about it. again, thanks dad but geeez...i felt like a MEGAbitch after going through the whole mortgage process and pretty much had panic attacks for a month straight.

i don't give a crap if you are busy i am going to read every line of something before i sign and YES i will ask a million questions until i understand. completely. deal with it.

winner: draw. fathers perhaps accompanying your daughter on these trips would be helpful and a leedle muscle never hurt anybody. OR bring along your (experienced) female realtor. they will back up your bitch.

***this picture is my house when i bought it. in april. it is waaaay cuter now and i am a leedle embarrassed about this shot, btw. but it makes my point. ***

Thursday, December 10, 2009

dear gap,

thank you for your pants. even though every. single. time. i visit you i have to try on a million pairs and seem to buy different sizes and cuts upon each visit and leave sweaty and a little humbled...i really love your pants. they fit my less than large butt and make my legs look much longer than they actually are and even though most of your pants are about 2 inches too long, i am fine with this. your waistbands are just the right size and i rarely need a belt. (i hate belts).
so i just really miss you. that is all.
***due to the current economic crisis the gap store in my small, southern town was one of the chosen stores for indefinite closure this past fiscal year. i remember moving to my little town and soon after having that gap open up. now it is gone. and i must travel many, many miles to get cute butt pants.***
***good news: very special friend s works at the gap in favorite big city in va to visit so gap visits are even better.***
***best news: every pair of pants bought at this gap venture were on sale. score!***