letter to all of the boys i have ever called friend.

hey guys,

i'm not really sure what has been happening lately, but i really feel the need to make a public statement about it. a few of you all seem to think that after decades of friendship, catching up and hanging out (or merely keeping in touch) means i suddenly want to make out with you. i do not want to make out with you. or i have and i do not want to again. if i do indeed want to make out with you, i'll let you know but for now, the answer is no.

now i am sympathetic to the whole nearly/at/freshly past 30 freak out many fall into and i can understand if that is where you are at. let's be honest: i am awesome. i like myself a lot. i am great fun! i can understand your feelings for me....maybe you had a crush on me at church camp, maybe i was that friend you always wanted to be more than friends with...i don't know. what i do know is, your creepy emails and interference into my personal space are unwarranted and really need to stop.

here are some things i will do if i decide i want to make out:

1. act like a 4th grader. complete with giggles and insults (this is a vivid sign i like you, i act weird and slightly not myself, cool huh?)
2. compliment something lame that i know you like, examples: music, movies, whatever...
3. perhaps message you in some form with nothing important to say to attempt to engage conversation although i truly loath electronic communication with secret crushes
4. aaand the most revealing...i will probably have an extra beer and tell you to your face

here are some things i will do if i do NOT want to make out:

1. i will act completely normal, like i have for the last 10-15 years of friendship
2. i will have fun with you cause we have been friends forever and i like being your friend
3. i will probably talk to you about your girl problems/relationships (HUGE sign i don't want to make out, ok?)
4. i will likely tell you about my secret boyfriend crushes (another MAJOR sign i do not want to make out with you)

ok. i feel a lot better. i don't mean to hurt your feelings when i kinda laugh and reject your advances but COME. ON. you are going on nothing here. friends=friends. always have been, always will be.

i would be happy to assist you in finding a nice girl, i am very selective about who dates my friends and i will be honest and straight forward kind of like how i am with everything and can be a great help in these things. i have set up quite a few people and can say there are some happy marriages out there because of my giant mouth and desire to help others make out.

so you can stop with the emails, the weirdo texts, the hovering and inappropriate touching that makes me literally flinch.

i love you dudes and want to stay bffs but only if you can understand where i am coming from. thank you and really, i am flattered...but more grossed out.

don't call me, i'll call you...

love, me:)

p.s. and yes, i have probably considered you as options at some point along the way, so please don't ask me that after we talk about how i am not going to make out with you. it sounds a little desperate and make me not want to make out with you more.

p.p.s. i am for real. i think you dudes are messing up my chances with real, live crush worthy material.