letter to all of the boys i have ever called friend.

hey guys,

i'm not really sure what has been happening lately, but i really feel the need to make a public statement about it. a few of you all seem to think that after decades of friendship, catching up and hanging out (or merely keeping in touch) means i suddenly want to make out with you. i do not want to make out with you. or i have and i do not want to again. if i do indeed want to make out with you, i'll let you know but for now, the answer is no.

now i am sympathetic to the whole nearly/at/freshly past 30 freak out many fall into and i can understand if that is where you are at. let's be honest: i am awesome. i like myself a lot. i am great fun! i can understand your feelings for me....maybe you had a crush on me at church camp, maybe i was that friend you always wanted to be more than friends with...i don't know. what i do know is, your creepy emails and interference into my personal space are unwarranted and really need to stop.

here are some things i will do if i decide i want to make out:

1. act like a 4th grader. complete with giggles and insults (this is a vivid sign i like you, i act weird and slightly not myself, cool huh?)
2. compliment something lame that i know you like, examples: music, movies, whatever...
3. perhaps message you in some form with nothing important to say to attempt to engage conversation although i truly loath electronic communication with secret crushes
4. aaand the most revealing...i will probably have an extra beer and tell you to your face

here are some things i will do if i do NOT want to make out:

1. i will act completely normal, like i have for the last 10-15 years of friendship
2. i will have fun with you cause we have been friends forever and i like being your friend
3. i will probably talk to you about your girl problems/relationships (HUGE sign i don't want to make out, ok?)
4. i will likely tell you about my secret boyfriend crushes (another MAJOR sign i do not want to make out with you)

ok. i feel a lot better. i don't mean to hurt your feelings when i kinda laugh and reject your advances but COME. ON. you are going on nothing here. friends=friends. always have been, always will be.

i would be happy to assist you in finding a nice girl, i am very selective about who dates my friends and i will be honest and straight forward kind of like how i am with everything and can be a great help in these things. i have set up quite a few people and can say there are some happy marriages out there because of my giant mouth and desire to help others make out.

so you can stop with the emails, the weirdo texts, the hovering and inappropriate touching that makes me literally flinch.

i love you dudes and want to stay bffs but only if you can understand where i am coming from. thank you and really, i am flattered...but more grossed out.

don't call me, i'll call you...

love, me:)

p.s. and yes, i have probably considered you as options at some point along the way, so please don't ask me that after we talk about how i am not going to make out with you. it sounds a little desperate and make me not want to make out with you more.

p.p.s. i am for real. i think you dudes are messing up my chances with real, live crush worthy material.

my old theme song...or is it?

in lieu of the new year...please consider a david byrne/talking heads dance party...you will not regret it.

daddy's girl, part 9.

(for previous entries of this series, please refer to daddy's girl, parts 1-8)

9. fresh starts
i am super lucky. my dad taught me a lot about integrity and hard work and pride. he is a true gentleman and many people respect and admire him. but wooooah, he did not shed any light on the whole fresh start, begin again concept. i mean, he constantly reminds me about that time i lied/got caught/pulled a genius move doing ____. drives me insane. i was pretty wild as a child, tween and teenager. ok. at times i was a nightmare, it is true. i perfected the art of manipulation and covering your ass. i personally do not think i was doing anything that different than most teenagers my age but i will admit i was the best (or rather worst) of the crew. i strove for perfection in each and every delinquent activity. i was pretty much always to blame. i think my skills then have made me a much more responsible adult, mainly because it is clear to me that i cashed in every.single. "get out of jail free" card there is on earth.

but i have also realized that you can change and make good decisions from bad ones. there is not much that is absolute and unsolvable. but good god my dad still thinks that party i threw in 1996 is worth mentioning at every.single.family.event as the primary reason for my wretchedness as a teen. (it was an epic party, btw. totally worth it in the long run)

so i accept the fact that i can never fully have a fresh start with my father, but then again, being a daddy's girl...there isn't reeeally much need for one. as i said before, covering my ass is a strong suit. but thank god i am able to start again in most facets of life, because there are TONS of things i have royally sucked at and effed up.

winner: father. just as long as he keeps his mouth shut in front of employers and potential life partners, it's all gravy.

my least favorite night.

new year's eve is NOT my thing. took me years to figure out why, years of pretending to make awesome plans that were going to be the best new year's eve ever. all that ended up happening was usually a major make-out sess with a toilet and ruining a perfectly cute party dress. one year i made a resolution to stop saying stupid stuff and i humiliated myself at 12:07am...

just looking at this picture makes me sweat. THERE ARE NO BATHROOMS IN TIMES SQUARE ON NEW YEAR'S EVE PEOPLE. NO. BATH. ROOMS. i've had tons of friends do this times square thing and they talked all about it's grossness. smashing people into a small space lit by the magic of corporate america sounds so wretched i just don't understand it's appeal...

oh look! from far away it looks so nice and fun! it's a sham. it's freaking december 31st in new york city. it is blistering cold in ny. AND DO YOU REMEMBER THE PART ABOUT THE BATHROOMS?! there is always so much preparation, so much stress, so much excitement for...well, exactly. what for?

the chances of going somewhere and seeing this lady are extremely high. but i do not think of this as a plus but rather, another reason why i will never go to bar after my 50th birthday...

oh, but wait! don't forget new year's eve could be your big shot at getting your ass groped by this guy...what a sexpot!

so, i am sorry. but i just don't love new year's eve. last year was ok. the year before that i left the party early and snuggled with my dogs in my warm bed. the year before that i am pretty sure was a party dress ruined/word vomit incident. overall the odds are just. no. good.

this year i am going to walk to the neighborhood bar with my bff, hope that everyone else has better plans so it doesn't get too crowded, plan on drinking 3 beers and an excessive amount of water to ease my fear of a hangover, get a little flirt on with a cute boy and hope to be home and in bed snuggling with my dogs by 1am. lame? probably. but i don't give a crap.

oh bother

my computer got sick and starting acting schizophrenic and then i had to pay a boatload of money to sit on the phone for 2 hours with a not super friendly indian man named pankj and had to press the buttons that ate the life out of the insides of my sweet puter. he wouldn't even engage in silly speak with me! arghh. i feel like this...
granted, being the techno loser i am, i did not have that much crucial information on the computer...mostly just pictures i loved and TONS of NEW music. and music. and i had some music on it. and i also had a bunch of music. oh, and i had just downloaded some awesome music. also, i copied some badass music from a friend. and i had a stellar music collection.

the tragedy of a single, white privileged american girl.

i am hoping to get over it soon (sitting at a desk typing criminal activity of my own town into leedle itty bitty boxes is not making this week better BUT i have almost completed my report...) and plan to start the new year with a clean slate via clean computer and hope to resemble something more like this...

i love smurfs.

boys will be...

this is a close up of one of the "nice shots" i had to bribe my nephews, ages 7 & 9, to take when they were still wearing their "nice clothes" on christmas eve. i guess i was pretty tired when i took the shot because i did not notice the flying bird until my mother pointed it out the next morning. per usual, everyone was rather disturbed and laughed at this gesture but made no attempts to address it's inappropriateness with the 9 year old that was behind these shenanigans.

so instead, i am finding every way to post it on the internet while maintaining the boys privacy and obviously vastly depleting innocence.

oh, the holidays and their passive aggressive nature and lack of confrontation...

mmm: last chance...

as i have mentioned...this year is my last year in my 20s. this post (and several of the next consecutive mmm's) is a part of this series...

once you hit the sparkling age of 30 i feel it is no longer appropriate to publicly drool and coo over young men that would be borderline criminal (or pathetic) to date. this coincides with my obsession with the whole cougar/cub phenomenon...but i have no intention of cougaring.

so the next eight months, my lovelies, as i walk down the plank to that big, bad birthday...i will be exploiting and celebrating each and every beautiful, young male celebrity i can find. for after that fateful day in august when summer is rolling down from it's peak, i will retire from mouthing off at the little ones...as it will become a little more crass. a bit more sad. and just not allowable in my book of reasons titled: because you are 30. that's why.

i will take every chance i can until then...

***chance crawford was just in this article but the pictures were too effing hot to post on this little entry...check it out but be careful...

Chace Crawford Interview: Finishing School - Beauty Industry and Products News - WWD.com ***

icky poo puppies...

sigh.

my mom has been fostering five puppies for the past few weeks. they are so effing cute i can't stand it. mom is keeping one but today, sadly, they start to go to their new homes...

this one i call wrinkles and he was my favorite. puppies just make you feel squishy and warm and happy and all seems right with the world.

i bought a new camera (woohooo!) and took so many pictures of the puppies it was a little pathetic. but my time with the puppies was lovely. on christmas, i took each one upstairs to snuggle separately...

they are each so different and unique and sweet and playful and ekkk! puppies!

i think we should all learn a lesson here as the new year approaches: find time to stop and snuggle the puppies. being squishy and warm and happy and all seems right with the world is something i can sure use more of...dunno about you...

daddy's girl, part 8.

(for previous entries in this series, please refer to daddy's girl, parts 1-7)

8. large purchases aka better to ask santa

my dad never told me that most male retail workers tend to view my appearance similar to the following when i am seeking a large ticket item purchase:

i was not aware that i often walked around looking so helpless and confused but, apparently, this is a fact of life. who knew?!
this explains why my television at home resembles the above picture (ok. i'm exaggerating a little) but it is way old and weighs about 50lbs.

this also explains why i do not have motor operated lawn equipment, a stereo, or speakers, or anything higher than the technical level of a basic lap top and a dvd player in my home or car...

going into retail stores for large purchases is the WORST EXPERIENCE EVER if you are female, at ANY age. i despise it the most. i would rather go to the dentist, the gynecologist AND the dmv on the same day. i would rather wear a bathing suit in public. i would rather eat olives. OLIVES! (and i really, really, really, really, really hate olives)

i am fairly certain that these employees are schooled in the fine art of intimidation, degradation and condescension. very few things scare me off but lord help me, i could go the rest of my life without ever setting foot in a bestbuy, an autozone (and i kinda love this store) or the not labeled but so obviously gender specific section of lowe's (i.e. everything past the lighting department) AGAIN.

if it needs to go inside of this, i'm outta here. my dad pretends like it irritates him but i know he prefers to handle this stuff...which i think is why he uses his i'm not putting up with your crap missy voice every time i tag along to one of the aforementioned locations. and i am 29 years old.

it kinda takes some of the glory out of home ownership. i mean, i still frequent the hardware store. i love a good hardware store. in fact, i hate the hello my name is ___ people so much i try my best to get everything at my teensy little local hardware store. that and i'm a small business supporter. and the store is within my comfort zone.

i actually do all sorts of research in the privacy of my own home before i decide on a big ticket item, to decrease the time required in the store deciding, thus rendering myself vulnerable to the vultures known as hello my name is ___. if i cannot buy it online or quickly, i kinda just go without. i am telling you. it is that bad.

winner: father. just go replace my battery for me. pleeeease. if i have to go in there and get laughed at i will flip. (and i know exactly what kinda of battery my car needs. and i can change my own flat tire. and i am a badass at most yard work. now i just don't want to because they ruined it)

holly jolly.

who are we kidding? this is still one of the funniest snl clips ever. their facial hair is so gross and it makes me laugh every time. jt is the best. snl. guest. ever. so join the rest of america and laugh your butt off to this special holiday video!!!

merry christmas!!!

on the eve...

for someone my age i spend a significant amount of time at church. i am chair of this cheesy committee. and i am in charge of stuff and i go to all of the church board meetings... (which sometimes totally suck but i feel if i am going to bitch and moan about stuff-i need to be on the board to know what i am bitching and moaning about)...my mother used to work for our church in bflo and i spent many days after school there (that church was so badass-it was big and scary and interesting and there were so many fun things to play with) and have always felt pretty comfortable in any church type setting.

i also have the benefit of being a part of an extremely open and affirming congregation. i remember my lesbian sunday schools teachers...no biggie. now, in a city of fundamentalism and religion gone crazy...this is something i treasure about my denomination.

but in all honesty...church doesn't really do it for me, if you know what i mean. praying in unison (actually in public for that matter) freaks me out. a lot of terrible behaviors are accepted and excused at church and this drives me batty. oh, yeah...and i don't really buy all of it. some nice stories and lessons, but...seriously? virgin birth? death by slingshot? leaving your own life to live with your mother-in-law by choice? i find it super difficult to relate to scripture and fanaticism surrounding god, jesus, "the word", etc.

and let's not forget to mention i am a youth leader of sorts and am super involved in all sorts of activities not only among my own church members but across the state...sometimes i feel a little like a closet agnostic...

my mom used to get so pissy with C & E's, as she called them (christmas & easter). this is the name "church folk" give people who only come to service on these days. she got extra flustered when they insisted their children were in the christmas eve play five minutes prior to showtime, then sat in the front row...blocking the view of all of the faithful regular attendants. the nerve!

so over the years i have found my niche of spirituality, (it is rarely during sunday service) as ever changing and challenging as it has become and will continue to be...i am right with myself and whomever or whatever i feel i am held accountable to...

but every once in a while, i'll have an experience like tonight. i love the 11pm candlelight christmas eve service. i struggle with the stories and some of the lyrics are wretched...but i love the songs. i sang them super loud tonight...i sat with one of my widowed buddies, m. she is a special person in my life and i would not have met her if it wasn't for my church that i so often gripe about.

so this evening was one of those moments. a validation of why i go back, why i stay connected to something i am so unsure about...it is a wonderful place to be. and sometimes, when the time is right, the peace and love and hope and faith is so strong you can feel it all around you.

merry christmas :)

(this semi-serious post will in no way deter the intentions i have for posting dick in a box tomorrow afternoon, btw)