yes, i was grossed out by the "body is a wonderland" song but i got over it.

so pretty much whenever i admit to having a slight imaginary love affair with john mayer via his music i get hysterically laughed at...i am ok with this because john mayer is effing hot y'all. and we all know i often times base talents on hot dudes. (like that time i watched troy and thought it was the BEST movie ever, when in all reality it just featured brad pitt and orlando bloom in bed sheets and armor. and that quantifies best movie status in my opinion.) anyhoo, back to my imaginary love affair with john mayer. it's pretty awesome. and now that i have expressed this publicly, i truly see how mortifying and generally pathetic my life can be. in a major way. (but why stop there!) my imaginary relationship with john mayer is waaay better than a real one with any of the boys in this town so, i dig it.
john mayer is such an a-hole as a bf and i'm all like, "john. i hate you. you are such a d!&%. you ignored me for a week and now you are all over me. wtf?"
and he's like, "i know" (then he sings lyrics to me that make me want to vomit and make out with him at the same time.)
then i'm like, "you are high maintenance and inconsistent, go get back together with jennifer or jessica."
and he's like, "but you are so much more beautiful and amazing than they are...i love you."
and i'm like, "look, i know. but you are whiny and i hate it when you grow your hair long, it makes your lips look surgically modified. and you don't seem to be able to grow facial hair. i honestly think you should just stand on the beach with sunglasses on all day. no shirt, please. and you are getting on my damn nerves playing that same guitar song over and over. gimme lyrics to apply to myself or get outta here...i need you to go home."
then he plays this song and we get back together for five minutes and break up again. just like college.

in the tradition of finding RIDICULOUS homemade youtube videos (my new favorite hobby)...this one is a real treat. i love obsessive fans that do things like this. i bet they have imaginary relationships with my bf john mayer also so that doesn't really put me on a higher level than them but i think there is thick, wide line between us, nonetheless... just not really sure what it looks like or where it is exactly.

i was totally making fun of the super cute local bartenders depressing music choices the other night (cause that is how i generally act around real, live, dreamboats...think 4th grader at roller skating rink) when in reality i, too, have been sitting around inside staring at the miserable cold weather listening to heart wrenching, depressing love songs...and. enjoying. every. minute. of. it.

last week i rediscovered this song, which was my lay around glutton for punishment song of last winter. enjoooy...

daddy's girl, part 6.

(for previous entries, please refer to daddy's girl, parts 1-5)

6. home owning/renting
now i may have mentioned i am NOT a fan of feeling out of control or weak. i despise it and fight like hell anytime someone makes me feel less than what i think they should think i am worth. but fathers do a grave disservice to daughters in the home owning/renting department when they do not take the time to teach the skills of renting/leasing/owning their own properties. many a security deposit could be spared over a few simple lessons on assertiveness by the fathers of the world. my father "took care of" these things throughout college, i.e. covered my ass and didn't tell me about it. again, thanks dad but geeez...i felt like a MEGAbitch after going through the whole mortgage process and pretty much had panic attacks for a month straight.

i don't give a crap if you are busy i am going to read every line of something before i sign and YES i will ask a million questions until i understand. completely. deal with it.

winner: draw. fathers perhaps accompanying your daughter on these trips would be helpful and a leedle muscle never hurt anybody. OR bring along your (experienced) female realtor. they will back up your bitch.

***this picture is my house when i bought it. in april. it is waaaay cuter now and i am a leedle embarrassed about this shot, btw. but it makes my point. ***

dear gap,

thank you for your pants. even though every. single. time. i visit you i have to try on a million pairs and seem to buy different sizes and cuts upon each visit and leave sweaty and a little humbled...i really love your pants. they fit my less than large butt and make my legs look much longer than they actually are and even though most of your pants are about 2 inches too long, i am fine with this. your waistbands are just the right size and i rarely need a belt. (i hate belts).
so i just really miss you. that is all.
***due to the current economic crisis the gap store in my small, southern town was one of the chosen stores for indefinite closure this past fiscal year. i remember moving to my little town and soon after having that gap open up. now it is gone. and i must travel many, many miles to get cute butt pants.***

***good news: very special friend s works at the gap in favorite big city in va to visit so gap visits are even better.***

***best news: every pair of pants bought at this gap venture were on sale. score!***

RVA

i am in training all this week and next week in richmond, va. i used to live in rva so i know the city well and LOVE coming to visit...i'll stroll to my favorite shops in in carytown (watch out for the hipsters!)...eat at kuba kuba...hit up hollywood cemetery and the gap (i am really effing excited about the gap!)...and probably play some fiest because she and i like to city stomp together...

my sincere apology...

dear kraft macaroni & cheese,
i have been unfaithful. i haven't been not eating mac & cheese like i said i have been, i have been trying the other brands of mac & cheese i have purchased without you knowing. i am sorry. i'm not really sure how it got to his point...i know last year i honestly and truly did stop eating all mac & cheese...there was that bridesmaids dress and all those damn weddings and the reunion and i really did stop eating all noodles. it was a sad time for me. but i have been eating mac & cheese again for a while now...but just not you, kraft. i got sucked into reading the ingredients and let's face it, yours are scary and complicated. i usually hit up the natural food aisle first and i got duped into that cute little bunny on the annie's box. but that bunny box tastes like crap and now i am stuck with four more boxes to suffer through. i deserve it though. you have never let me down, you've given me rugrats and batman shaped pastas. i promise once i finish this disappointment that is annie's i am done with that pretentious bunny. i will only reach for you from now on. i hope you can find a way to forgive me and that we can get past this and live a long, full life together. not having parts of my body decompose adequately from additives you may contain that could unnaturally preserve my guts is something i am willing to do for you.
love always and forever, xoxoxo

mmm: JAKE!

ahhh. it feels particularly appropriate to blog stalk jake gyllenhaal. he is the same age as i am, i have a friend who has this fantasy where she finally meets him and he is so instantly in love with her she has to take some time in explaining to him that she is married but totally would if she wasn't, and well, i do not need another reason. it just feels right.

even my fear of military films was eased with this display of him in jarhead...

and it took ever OUNCE of self restraint i had to make this entry more than just a brokeback mountain homage, btw.

think i'll curl up tonight and catch another viewing of mr. twist.

***news flash! upon publication of this blog post mr g and ms w may be broken up? coincidence again? nope. just further validation that my man meat mondays are making this world a better place. you are welcome, world. ***

hopelessly devoted.

my newest addition to the household is a yellow labrador is named zephyr, aka, zeezee. she is a mess. she's clumsy, blond, squishy...a lot like me. i am a sucker for the disenfranchised and zeezee is one of these. she was abandoned by these jerks that had her from puppy to 10 months. she has a bit of a malfunction in her lady parts and has to take medication daily (which she loves to take-it's like her doggy candy) but other than that, you wouldn't know she has any physical issues. she is a spaz but she's still a puppy. so this former family's desertion really did a number on zeezee. she has severe attachment issues. my schedule recently changed slightly and two days a week i go to work super early. on the nights i got to bed super early she kinda freaks out, stays up all night acting nervous and flips out (literally) when i come home to let her out in the mid morning. i've taken many trips where she has been under the supervision of my dad and she is generally cool with this but when i am home she is all over me all the time.

sometimes it drives me crazy. when i put on shoes and socks she is right behind me, like she is trying to help but in turn, only creating a hazard. she pummels down the stairs with me, at times almost knocking me over. not good. she MUST watch me in the bathroom. i am serious. the doorknob didn't work for a while on the bathroom door so i have at least trained her to stand at the door. it is not my favorite thing but it's better than her trying to get on my lap. if i take a bath, she rests her face on the side of the tub. kinda creepy at first, but again, used to it. if i sit on the couch she is always touching me or under foot. she constantly seeks my approval and guidance. she is always looking out the window for me to return. in the bed, her arm/leg/head/entire 70lb body is always draped over mine. always. ALWAYS.

i am extremely empathetic towards her because she is a sweetheart and i understand why she acts the way she does. her desperation and devotion are signs that i am training her correctly, even when she almost rips my arm off at the sight of a squirrel/leaf/rock at the park. i have had her about 6 months and she has come a looong way.

zeezee represents everything i am not (or was at one time in the past and worked diligently to change). she is needy, anxious when alone, she tries waaay to hard to get the cats that hate her to like her. (chasing and humping things 1/10 of your size is a poor choice, i tell her but she continues to try)...she is super touchy and insecure. her favorite song is "party in the usa" by miley cyrus. in people those are all of the things i despise. if i portray those qualities i feel weak and immediately remedy the situation.

but overall, she gets better everyday. i love the crap out of this dog and think that as much as she represents all that isn't me, her loyalty towards me is admirable. she plays fair with smaller dogs (most of the time) and has an unbelievably in tune conscience. she is goofy and kind but she will act like she is going to rip your face off if you come into my house and she doesn't know or like you. this is a plus considering i am not in a yuppie neighborhood and i live alone.

so anytime this mess of a pooch makes me want to scream i remember that i envy her unconditional love and loyalty. i can do no wrong to her and she lives completely and utterly for me. and her kong. and this is nice.

back to life...

so after the longest, sickest (literally sick, not badass sick) week ever. i am finally feeling better. here are some highlights of my week...

pabi can't see but he knows when i need snuggles. he is very sensitive. he likes to burrow his head under the blankets or pillows.

zz feels the need to kiss/step on/maul everyone i try to pet. she did this a lot this week anytime any attention was veered from her direction...

oscar sleeps anywhere...like on the window sill...

sometimes she really did look pained that i was sick and uncomfortable...

at time she was so sad i felt like i needed to cheer her up...

and then she would stare at me until i told her it was ok.

thanks for all the help with getting better my furry friends...being in bed for days really is not so terrible when you have little ones like this to keep you company.

daddy's girl, part 5.

(for previous entries of this series, please refer to daddy's girl, parts 1-4)

5. super human arm strength, aka, forearm strength
(photo courtesy of righteous babe records)

as i have mentioned, most of my realizations of my father's protective tendencies have been when i am reduced, as a adult, down to the maturity level and mentality a seven year old girl: forced to tears by something trite and menial.

i usually attempt to conquer most things on my own, cause i'm that girl. (sometimes this can be considering bravery, but often times, it is just stupidity) but what the crap is going on with things that require super human arm strength?!!!

i HATE it when i am faced with something that is beyond my wimpy strength. i get all worked up. i start planning my weight increase at the gym and begin to curse. aloud. profusely. it is ridiculous. i have been working out for as long as it has been age appropriate and my arm strength (or lack thereof) is embarassin.' AND i actually do focus on arms at the gym but no real improvements have occurred in this area. i am ok with the fact that arm strength it just not my thing, but grrrr...i get mad when i have to ask for assistance....i would almost rather break the thing open (or in half) than ask for help. i have issues. this i know. how was i supposed to know that sports and other yucky stuff i was disinterested in as a frilly girl would benefit my upper and forearm strength?

examples of items requiring super human arm strength: weed whackers (thank god for electric) & lawn mowers (thank god for the pushy no motor ones), large jars, things that hold paint or glue or gooey stuff, most power tools, plumbing stuff, appliances, things that cut or clips large things, things that are screwed on tightly with tools, etc., etc.

so how do i blame this one on dear ole dad? cause. he just assumed the role of weed whacker, paint opener, plumber, whatev in the life i consider everyone else to revolve around: my life, that is. i know how to change my own damn tire but CANNOT because the dudes at the shop screw the bolts on too tight with their tools that only they can lift with their super human arm strength...boo. i love changing my own tires. i do NOT love waiting on the side of the dang road while people snicker, "psssh. look who can't change her own tire." I CAN SO! i am merely a victim of sexist power tools!!!


winner: deferred to your hot boyfriend. this is an example why they exist.

but where were the spiders?

i LOVE david bowie. i used to work at this crappy juice bar in seattle and the acoustics were flipping awesome and me and my punk rock friends used to blast music and david bowie was always on our opening routine. actually that job was like my "record store with awesome taste" job...i picked up some badass music working with friends with purple and orange hair.

none of the videos with bowie actually moving were embedded so, sorry...but i've been sick and this song makes me feel better. kinda makes me feel like i can fly. or that could be the record amount of oj i have been drinking...my sugars levels have to be near a diabetic coma at this point...

anyhoo...david bowie and i cooked thanksgiving dinner together this year when the fam was at church. and he usually comes out when it's rainy at work...and now...when i am ill.

the sleep station...

i read in a magazine once when i was a teenager that your bed should be your "sleep station"...created and designed for the most satisfying and relaxing sleep imaginable. one was also encouraged to leave the tv and especially their work out of the bedroom and truly use this space for nothing but resting...(well and you know...that too, duh)...

so i have always taken this advice seriously. my bed os covered with an excess of pillows of all shapes and sizes so i always find one i like...i have TONS of sheets. (like, a giant bookshelf full) i compulsively change my sheets because sleeping in clean sheets is one of my favorite things. these are my favorite, bamboo sheets. they are the BEST! go get some! but give them some time to impress you...
now. i feel i must own these crow sheets. they do not match anything i own but i am not sure i have ever seen anything cooler than these crow sheets.

wait...these are pretty awesome too...

holeee crap.

this was noted as an "eco-bed" made from an old plane! it's rather sultry looking though...i would feel gross if i slept in this bed.

my bed is this one, but with MUCH better sheets, colors, pillows, walls, floors and 2-3 dogs on it at all times...

this would be a neat-o bed to have. but i cannot afford this one, so sad.

OMG. this is from Christie's and i didn't even attempt to look at the cost. i have a thing about old hollywood furniture...in sunset boulevard there is this amazing gondola bed that i covet...now i add this one to my list...it would look so perfect with me in it.

i hope your sleep station is dreamy.